William wrestling with impatience. (photo by William Hayes)
I took up this sport of wrestling as a freshman in high school because there was no boxing handy. Bullies abounded back then and roamed freely. It was a way to turn the tide on them that was important to me. And I spent three years doing that til I discovered girls.
Our son Wiley wrestled for thirteen years, all through the various levels up through high school. He knows more about it than I ever will but I learned a lot by watching him. The basic object of the sport is to control the opponent. Making the opponent extremely uncomfortable in the process is common but hurting him or her is never allowed. That is important to understand.
What is important today for us is that there are notions and techniques that are valuable that I find myself using in my daily bouts with my cancer for one and with my own personal nightmares. I don’t quite know if I can articulate these at the moment but never the less they exist. And perhaps I won’t worry about explanations but will just table that for now and tackle that when I have more energy.
I am walking in a few moments. Not raining yet although it is supposed to at some point soon. Thanks for coming along today.
I got the Good, the Bad and the Uglies here lately. The good is that the new IPad seems a blessing even though I shed a tear when I had to turn in my old one. But you know I am crawling up the learning curve trying to figure out how to get the normal work done. Henna is coming over this morning to help out and give me a lesson.
Five years I have been hammering out the blog and other activities on my original machine so anything is going to feel weird and different even if better. But here I am giving it a go. And the new IPad is names Gigi after the Verizon consultant that gave us so much help yesterday. My Rebecca said that she was unflappable which is exactly what she needed to be to try and figure out the changeover of both my computer and new cell phone. Look out world Felipé is freshly wired!
And of course there is the Bad happening simultaneously. I think today is the anniversary of an event that happened when I was four years old. My Dad fresh back from fighting the war in the Pacific was involved in an industrial accident. Well, that is one way to say it or you could say he was involved in a robbery and injured in the process. This event was pivotal in my family history and I try to forget it’s exact date so not to memorialize it. Now it seems musty and a part of ancient history but at the time it was fresh and raw as could be.
I mention this because I am feeling it so and it is part of who I am. I am not all Cancer, Catholicism and Camino. We all are a big grab bag of stuff that forms who we are.
Over night I had a dream, a nightmare and I haven’t had many in my life, a handful. I’m lucky. I can’t bring myself to write the content of it but it was violent and some one stronger than I was forcing their will on me. Nasty. And on a little reflection I think that this Ugly dream was related to the Bad happening, sort of memorializing it.
I am telling you all this because it is all so fresh on my mind and it seems to overshadow every thing else. But fortunately I was able to talk myself through the worst of it. And I think that that is the redeeming nugget here and worth writing about.
This is in the dark overnight after the nightmare. I kept forcing my mind to think about God. Whenever it would stray I would quickly drag it back. And specifically I tried to imagine the moment of gazing at the face of God which no living man has seen. Seems crazy but I needed some strong medicine and that is what first came to mind. And it worked.
Well, almost 500 words so have to wrap it up for today. Life goes on. Thanks for putting up with me.
Here I am sitting on the ferry boat writing to you with my brand spanking new IPad. Just like that no muss no fuss. I could never do this in the past with my old setup but this new set up has wireless hookup. Man, too cool.
We wound up at the Verizon store and met Camino Angel Gigi who got me this new iPad mini and got me Henna’s old smart phone hooked up. She was a miracle worker. I am a new guy with my two new devices but beware probably slightly dangerous. Have a lot to figure out.
Well, here we are docking, will have to continue at home. OK, back to you from the red couch. We just had our Tuesday walk and now it is dark. Patti from the Institute stopped by along with her friend author Mary Oak. Mary wrote Heart’s Oratorio: One Woman’s Journey through Love, Death and Modern Medicine. Had a short but fruitful tapas session with them and My Rebecca.
Well, so happy to be here writing on a new machine. Her name is Gigi by the way, of course. I have to say that I had a tear in my eye when I gave up my trusty old IPad. But here I am with Gigi hammering out the blog just like old times.
So tomorrow, Terry Hershey with Sabbath Moment blog and friend Nancy will be here for dinner so the partying continues. Terry put in a request for venison so we are having pulled roast BBQ.
OK, time to get this out to you as it’s almost dinner time. It’s been a full long day. The best to you all.
Steve-O in the corn , last May here at Raven Ranch.
I have been getting my Steve-O time in during his visit. He is off again this afternoon to drive to Portland. We got the walk in yesterday on Phil’s Camino just the two of us. It was sort of a drizzly situation so it must have discouraged folks from coming out. But we persisted.
And last evening we had a few hours after the ill fated Seahawks game. Boy, that was one of their worst games ever. But in true heroic fashion one of the announcers did make a case for a team having a complete failure as this at this point in the season. The argument being that the resulting reshuffled could mean a way for them to peak at the right time in late season. OK, OK, but hard to watch.
Anyway we gabbed away with My Rebecca’s help on numerous topics. It was fun and up lifting. And I am sitting here trying to put my finger on the up lifting aspect of conversation with him. And this generally seems to be the case.
He has this funny notion that there’s are only 137 people in the world because we keep running into each other in various combinations and in various places. Never fails in his world that they show up. I think that is a sign of synchronicity. It is a very small world after all.
And this leads into the feeling that important or significant things can happen to me, to us. We are not all in a big vat of nameless humanity. We for whatever reason are sort of the chosen ones to which things of significance happen. Does that make sense? That is how he makes you feel when you talk with him. Conversation is elevated and life begins to have history to support it and a future to sustain it. We are buoyed by our own talk in a very real and special way.
It is very positive to have a feeling that good and interesting things don’t just happen to other people. You know those people that are always more deserving than we are, those people. But we could very well be those people, whose to say. At least we have to carry on like that.
I’m not saying that we put on aires or that we are self important or self righteous. It is just that we are making ourselves available to the universe. We finally realize that we are equal to it. That sounds a little crazy but it is how you feel when you engage with Steve-O. We definitely want him on the team.
OK, Monday needs to happen. Walking in a moment with people coming maybe. Time to go.
Aunt Charlotte’s trees look like they are waiting.
Time is moving along here in the darkness and bleakness. Well, it isn’t quite that bad. Father David talked about how this was the period of waiting. And as in all periods of waiting time doesn’t seem to move fast enough for us.
But I’m happy for if waiting is what I should be doing then I can do that OK. Waiting for the solstice like men and women have for millennia, yes, I can do that also. Waiting for the baby Jesus birthday celebration like so many for two thousand years now, yes, sign me up.
Steve-O our CNWBC is supposed to show up here any minute. He s always accompanied by his faithful dog Rasmus. And they are supposed to spend the night so we will have time to catch up. He is now living in Northern Oregon and it is closer so we could be seeing more of them.
Steve always wants me to have something for him to do when he is here and I think that I will get him to help me with this IPad. It is gettin so bad, the screen distortion and interference, that I have nothing to loose really. I saw a UTube recently about how to fix this fairly common problem and I think that with help it is worth a try. I have used this device everyday for over 5 years so I guess it really doesn’t owe me anything. It has gotten Caminoheads blog this far, pretty amazing.
OK, Seahawks game this evening, Sunday Night Football. I have been thinking about the “Hawks” and have some thoughts on their successful methods. It is worth a blog soon.
Always moving forward sometimes gracefully and sometimes not.
What I mean is that in this one little thing I am hurrying. My IPad Mini, my trusty IPad Mini is having problems. It is getting harder and harder to work with it. So, I wanted to say hello before it went haywire.
Maybe I can complete a few thoughts here in the meantime. I seriously need some help with this computer problem, a fix or maybe a new machine. The screen is streaking and fogging and pulsating with all manner of distractions. Geez, just trying to get the blog out.
This dark time of the year seems similar in that it is just harder to do the standard stuff. Everything is more complicated and time consuming then in the “easy” season. Well, maybe not everything. Maybe it’s the season to do other things. I guess that is what I am trying to winnow out here. Just what is it good for or what is it a better time for?
Well, it seems like I am all questions today without much more. Other folks have been doing a better job with this lately, Steve-O and Farmer John. But that is what we are here for to help each other out. I need to reread their material.
Here is a bit of Farmer John, Caminoheads Heartland Bureau Chief:
“Reading Steve-O’s comments here, as well as many of the “regulars”, I find I often feel like Charley Brown in one of Charles Schulz’s comics. Linus and Charlie are lying on their backs viewing the clouds. Linus launches into a lengthy description of what he sees in the drifting shapes far above. His detailed description involved crenelations, parapets, and ionic columns. Charlie timidly admits, “I thought I saw a dog”.
“The dark and cold months represent “Rest” to me, the inveterate farmer. The soil rests for two thirds of its life, after pulsing life into the crops that we have planted into it for four heat-soaked months. It is, however, a “productive” rest, as the microbes and the minerals and the moisture do their intricate weaving to incorporate all the previous years organic matter into new fuel for future growth. This break is as essential to the soil as our nightly trips to our own beds. We both must have the “Rest” to be able to resume. Long hours of darkness are conducive to such (non) activity. And as the animal side of nature “bulks up” for their long winter’s hibernation, we also provide food for the soil as well, replacing at a bare minimum the nutrients we removed with this year’s crop.
“That seems to jibe well with Steve-O’s “A time of serious work and also of great anticipation for whatever lie ahead”.”
Steve-O , last May here at Raven Ranch.
A Bit of Steve-O, Caminoheads NorthWest Bureau Chief:
After the marvelous expansion on the winter-purpose theme Farmer John gave us, I am especially trying to take the theme to heart – to take the season of outer “dormancy,” the apparent nothingness of the low-light winter, as a time of recognizing the not-outwardly obvious, of being “with” wherever we are, right now. To let the ‘assignment’ – our internal, anticipatory integration of all we’ve become be seen and known. And it really is anchored in anticipation. Without the wonder and belief in what comes next, it is just rote, meaningless lesson-learning.
I heard it explained recently ( Rabbi Jill Zimmerman’s webinar) that in the Jewish tradition, God asks Adam ( post apple-eating), “Where are you?” while Adam is pretty much hiding out, unsure, uncertain and confused. Well, not a question God needed Adam’s help answer, right? The question is “Ayeka?” which means not so much physically “where are you”, but “where are you– your spiritual location, your sense of yourself and your internal navigation?”.
And the answer is “Heneini” – “I am here”, in this new place for me, aware in new ways, searching in new ways…
That describes, perhaps, the winter journey; the re-assessment and coming to know oneself in the moment. Things have changed, of course, but have we taken the interlude to re-know our spiritual location? Rather than see the apple-eating experience as sin, some, and surely in the Jewish tradition, see it as the beginning of consciousness, of self-knowledge. To me, that’s realizing it is now up to us to be present to ourselves, our spiritual status, mindful of each moment. I way too often “get lost in living”. And the prescription is Winter I think. Winter presents a magical and miraculous opportunity, in the perfect low-light, nothing-much-going-on-in-the-exterior-world-of-Doing wrapping. In this season of anticipation it seems all set up for us– prepped and gifted, wintery– to gracefully fall into re-reading the assignment and get started on the homework.
In the same Jewish-tradition view, when we pause and re-locate ourselves in the moment with all the spiritual awareness we have gained we look for God to say, ‘Yodea! I see you.’ That is what we all want…to be seen and confirmed for who we truly are, who we are becoming, in the fullest sense.
Also wrapped in anticipation.
What a gift wintertime is.
“Ayeka?”
“Heneini”
“Yodea!”
S Sunde
Well, all great stuff for a Friday blogpost, Thanks guys!
Here is a Comment from Steve-O our CNWBC working out of Portland OR:
“Yeah- the Season of Darkness. Since my son Peder lived on the Navaho rez many years ago and filled me in on a lot of their traditions, I’ve seen winter darkness as a time to be more spiritually integrative than spiritually sponge-like. That is, a time more about integrating and understanding the input, learning, trials and victories we’ve had than about discovering new things, new monster-insights or info or perspectives that we so relish most of the year. It can be a time to be more quiet and introspective in an an internal, muted ‘ah-ha’ way; a time to realize and ultimately rejoice in the changes within ourselves that may have occurred without due recognition and gratitude from us; a time to learn to walk with the talk of whatever enlightening learning we’ve devoured over the last spring/summer/fall – since the light began to lengthen in January. A time to prepare for the light to re-emerge, to embrace it with the capacity to see and absorb all it may bring as we are reborn to noticing with eyes of wonder, to a new awareness. With that may come a capability of receiving more, spiritually, by virtue of having ‘re-read the assignment and done the homework’ so to speak.
Ok, maybe not the best metaphor, but maybe it is a time for mostly reflective, internal work, the necessary preparation to open up more uncluttered space within us to be able to receive whatever gifts may come our way as the light returns. A time of serious work and also of great anticipation for whatever wisdom and joy lie ahead.”
This is helpful to me, the guy that just wants the winter to be over. Now I see that is the opposite of living in the present. These dark days have a purpose and it is my job to find that for myself. It is just not good enough anymore to say “I hate it and I don’t want to be here.”
So thank you for sticking with me during my wrestling with this, although I have a feeling it is challenging for all of us. There is something here to make peace with and to learn from. It must be something more than the proverbial sticky wicket.
Walking in a few minutes, have to bundle up and find my rose colored glasses.
I just read a few sentences about the darkness of winter being the womb of God. That is interesting and intriguing. I for one have been trying to come to grips with the darkness of winter, to somehow play along with it and prosper. There must be a way to work with it and receive it’s gifts. There must be a way to work with it and further God’s plan maybe is the way to look at it.
Last evening I watched a whole feature length film in the Polish language. I grew up hearing Polish from my Mother, her sisters and my Grandmother but now I remember two or three words. This film is entitled Faustia and is the story of Faustia the Polish nun and her visions of Christ. I captured what I could capture or I understand what I could understand giving the language gap. It was a beautiful movie visually but I must get back to her story in some depth as I sense there is much there.
As I try to get closer to the Advent story these are things that I bump into. Are these things helping me to move in closer? There is so much that I don’t know, or understand or have little experience with. There seems an endless richness though to explore.
I’ve picked up two guides to help me in thei Advent quest. One, that I received at church is The Magnificat Advent Companion which is day by day companion. And the second is Rejoice – Advent Meditations with Joseph. This is a day by day guide with the perspective of Joseph. This is interesting shift. So, maybe some of you are also following one or both of these also. Let me know if and when you have an important moment with them.
