I got the Good, the Bad and the Uglies here lately. The good is that the new IPad seems a blessing even though I shed a tear when I had to turn in my old one. But you know I am crawling up the learning curve trying to figure out how to get the normal work done. Henna is coming over this morning to help out and give me a lesson.
Five years I have been hammering out the blog and other activities on my original machine so anything is going to feel weird and different even if better. But here I am giving it a go. And the new IPad is names Gigi after the Verizon consultant that gave us so much help yesterday. My Rebecca said that she was unflappable which is exactly what she needed to be to try and figure out the changeover of both my computer and new cell phone. Look out world Felipé is freshly wired!
And of course there is the Bad happening simultaneously. I think today is the anniversary of an event that happened when I was four years old. My Dad fresh back from fighting the war in the Pacific was involved in an industrial accident. Well, that is one way to say it or you could say he was involved in a robbery and injured in the process. This event was pivotal in my family history and I try to forget it’s exact date so not to memorialize it. Now it seems musty and a part of ancient history but at the time it was fresh and raw as could be.
I mention this because I am feeling it so and it is part of who I am. I am not all Cancer, Catholicism and Camino. We all are a big grab bag of stuff that forms who we are.
Over night I had a dream, a nightmare and I haven’t had many in my life, a handful. I’m lucky. I can’t bring myself to write the content of it but it was violent and some one stronger than I was forcing their will on me. Nasty. And on a little reflection I think that this Ugly dream was related to the Bad happening, sort of memorializing it.
I am telling you all this because it is all so fresh on my mind and it seems to overshadow every thing else. But fortunately I was able to talk myself through the worst of it. And I think that that is the redeeming nugget here and worth writing about.
This is in the dark overnight after the nightmare. I kept forcing my mind to think about God. Whenever it would stray I would quickly drag it back. And specifically I tried to imagine the moment of gazing at the face of God which no living man has seen. Seems crazy but I needed some strong medicine and that is what first came to mind. And it worked.
Well, almost 500 words so have to wrap it up for today. Life goes on. Thanks for putting up with me.
Striving for the Good loves, Felipé.
One o the reasons I read your blog everyday is because you bring your whole self to it. We walk with you through the mundane as well as the profound. We witness your delights and your concerns. Through your questions, we ask our own. In your revelations, we realize our own. Children are the most impressionable and the most resilient people. They absorb everything, adapting themselves to “help” the family in whatever way makes sense to them. Later, as adults, if we reflect on our childhood experiences, the impacts of important family events, and the ways we adapted ourselves to get through them, we can be “blessed” with a greater understanding and tender compassion for ourselves, our parents, our siblings, and other people. I think of this as greater consciousness. It seems it doesn’t come without some soul searching and heart opening. Your blog today reminds me of this, like John of the Cross’ “Dark night of the soul,” we wake into a new day different from having prayed through the darkness. I hope you keep softening this day and that you are surprised by some kindness or tenderness, some whisper of God’s breath upon you. (Oh, and welcome to our new walking companion – “Gigi.”)
Catherine ~ thank you always for your friendship and support. This was all very heavy duty situation. And maybe it was needed although difficult. Felipé.x
Like Catherine said… Perfect.
And, yes, those memories don’t go away. And they can be haunting and fear-inspiring as the child’s experience is reawakened. Feelings don’t have calendars – they can be as crisp and soul-shaking as the moment they first arrived. Except in the case of anniversaries . They are oftentimes kindled on anniversaries. My Dad-event feelings surprise me every spring, and it’s been 50 years.
So, we share so much experience as fellow-humans; we walk the same paths that may seem terrifyingly solo when they –guess what? – aren’t. The Dark Night of the Soul is the place where go to experience, in this moment, an untangling, I think. And then a peace that comes in knowing we are not alone, that there’s a universe of other stuff, normal stuff, that can envelope our trauma in an oddly-inspired joy when it all falls into a larger landscape. At least, that’s my experience, and I have to remember and renew it annually. The Whisper of God’s breath upon you – wow. Just wow. That’s it.
Remember a couple of days ago when we talked about the miracle of “making things appear?” And understanding that it was only by having eyes and senses and sensibilities trained and honed to expect, see & recognize – as your father could do, and did, when hunting game? How interesting it is to me the timing of that conversation in light of what you wrote today. (I wondered about the ‘greater meaning’ at the time.)
For me, your memory of your dad, especially kindled about now, brought the “making things appear” into our conversation. The miracle of making things appear: Being expectant and alert to the “whisper of God’s breath upon you.” Wow. What a timely miracle.
Thank you Steve~O for your constant companionship whether physically near or far. We must grow as we work through these difficult occurrences, one of which I was trying to describe. I guess the important thing is to always keep in mind that there is a new day waiting on the other side. Love you man, Felipé.
Sending love down your way. And light. Xo
Dana ~ as always, thank you. I am a very beloved wrestler whose fans are constantly yelling in encouragement. ‘Felipé.x
Hola Felipe,
The neuroscientists have evidence that a part of our brain, the hypocampus, keeps all the memories, even the ones we don’t even consciously “know”, and then, under certain circumstances, something happens and those memories which are electric impulses, come to the surface of the cortex… the only problem is that they come fragmented, and we fill the gaps with other things we have an intuition of, but not necessarily pieces that are truth. However, these pieces that we have an intuition of are somehow more real to us, because it is how we experienced the event related to the memory… and these neuroscientist say that in those situations there is a huge amount of trauma healed… like shedding some load that we couldn’t shed before in our conscious life.
So, all and all, it might have been a good thing… and it amazes me the fact that even in those uneven situations, your roots are so strong that you DO KNOW they are supporting you!
Good Loves (always),
Cris
Yes Cris, I feel totally supported. The Camino is here alive and well doing that. And God does not allow the evils near Him. That is important to know and remember. Felipé.x