I am not trying to bring you something morbid but something truly joyful. Organically joyful, bubbling up from the depths joyful, it was always there but you just realized it joyful, all that. Oop, have to go photograph roses, perfect light, see what I mean?
So, where were we? All of a sudden I am deep in thinking about the Cancer Camino and maybe trying to separate things from the Camino Camino or from the Catholic Camino. It reminds me of being questioned by my oncologist and trying to separate chemo related side effects from the bumps and scraps of everyday life, hard to do sometimes. Things get entwined (beautiful word) or maybe they were born together long ago, all in the same litter.
But even though, I think that my cancer was a amazing catalyst for change. Dealing with it has been dealing with death. Not death as an impersonal creature but the personal variety. I am thankful for that. I have made peace with it and I feel secure.
Yesterday in the quote from Peter Kreeft’s book was the phrase “post mortem life” and that sounds strange at first glimpse and I feel the need to explain. What he is referring to is the point where one dies in a certain sense but not physically and goes on to have a new chance or second life so to speak. A new life with realizations; real reality realizations!
I hope that I am making slight sense. So, encountering the dragon Cancer (and surviving so far) has been a vital learning experience. And I don’t feel like it is my duty, my place, my my to kill it or conquer it or anything it. I have sat at it’s feet and learned.
Time to go, love, Felipe.
PF Felipe! Hola Amigo!
Lots of stuff going on in the thick old Jarhead head of yours. A very common comment from my parents and various aunts/uncles/cousins/good neighbors relating to thought processes of (primarily) the young: “need a two by four to knock some sense into that kid/any-name-that-fits”. Not having known you pre-cancer, I don’t know what went on inside your fairly good looking cranium in those days. But, apparently, Cancer became your metaphorical two by four, as least as far as thinking about life, death, eternity, what’s important, what’s not even a little bit important that at one time seemed like it was. I diverge from your conclusions only on the point of whether or not it’s “your duty or your desire” to kill off cancer because it made you realize so many of these big deals in your life. If I had the power to “kill all cancer”, I’d draw a bead on it and hold my breath and squeeze off a shot the most particular rifle range instructor could imagine. I would, in the parlance of the Nam Grunts, “blow its ass away”. There will always be more diseases and maladies that will raise their grisly heads when cancer is gone, but we’ll find a way to deal with them too.
Hang in there, Dude. You’re doing a lot more good than harm in the world today, and that’s the most any of us can ask for.
I read a bit of Thomas Aquinas yesterday. He defined love as “wanting only the good for another”. So, I guess I love you man! Deal with it 🙂
SF,
PFJ.
PFJuan ~ we are wading around in some deep doodoo here buddy! I hear you totally and yes I understand every thing that you say on this. And who won’t really blow it’s ass away if they could. That seems like the direct route. But consider that it is more like a mirage with the heat waves moving the image around, a tricky target.
Those cells are my cells, if I understand it right, in my body. It’s exactly like having a loose cannon on deck of your personal ship. Just have to deal with in in the best manner possible before it does some real damage.
And at least part of it is a big boogie man in our own heads. It has accumulated so much history, energy, scientific knowledge, folklore and whatever that it has it’s own weather and gravity. It is much bigger than it really is because of the part that grows in our own heads. We see people who fold on receiving the diagnosis maybe because their own mind gets away from them. I don’t know but it seems like and I can’t speak for others.
I used to think that my last moments on earth would be like the last half hour of some deer seasons. Somehow I didn’t harvest a critter through the long season and it gets down to the last few moments. I have a stand were I can see off into the distance and I sit quietly paying attention to things as the light steadily fades. And it fades, and it fades and it fades. But I’m ready for whatever might happen. And then I realize that my watch says that it is two minutes past shooting hours. So, I stuck it out, yes I made mistakes, yes I blew chances but I did the best that I could and now the light has faded. And I am ready for what happens next but that is beyond me.
So that image is where I, for my part, experience the situation as fading. But what if the opposite were also possible? What if I took a lesson from my cancer cells and just got growing so quickly and I got so rowdy and just blew myself into another spiritual dimension. An end of life too big for the earthy venue scenario, right? That is just as possible in my brain right now.
But yea, after I learn as much as I can and if I get a chance I’ll draw a bead on him sir. Love you man, PFFelipe.
Felipe,
Totally agree about the boogie man part. One of the wonderful Pilgrims I had the joy of walking with was a beautiful lady from Cali, Columbia. She had had some recent sad events in her life and was walking the Camino to focus her prayer life. I just found out last week that she has been diagnosed with lung cancer. She is in near panic mode. Breaks my heart.
SF,
PFJ
PFJuan ~ please give me her first name and we will pray for strength and healing for her. Yup, Felipe.
Amigo,
Her name is Clara, and she will weep with happiness knowing you are praying for her while you fight your own battle with cancer.
PFJ
PFJuan ~ we’re on it. I walked with a wonderful Clara also. So glad that I am blessed with the extra energy to do this. Yup, Felipe.
Felipe,
Gracias, Amigo. This is getting weird, man. You found an Angela, from Sydney AND a Clara, as I did. If you tell me you also walked with an Ingrid, the spooky music is going to start playing in the background.
SF,
PFJ
PFJuan ~ well gee, almost as good, I walked with Ingrid’s twin sister Milo. Those northern girls are kickass. Hee, PFFelipe.
Listening to you two go back and forth with the overlapping lives and people reminds me of what I always say to Phil: We can’t help ourselves! We just keep bumping into each other in the most glorious and loving ways! We can’t help ourselves! Love you guys <3
Annie ~ this is Caminoheads in action, yes? We need a raise! Love you, Felipe.
Yes Yes YES! I’ll see your raise and raise again! Always raising, always praising <3
Yes some more!
You get this movie cranked up Annie and I’ll come “bump into you” like a deuce and a half truck at the hands of a brand new buck private. Ask Phil what that would be like 🙂
Annie ~ I think we have an asset here. Felipe.