Today I want to celebrate denial. Denial is a word that has such a bad reputation in our therapied, self-aware world. But like any “bad” thing it also has its gifts.
As some of you know, I have a life limiting cancer. I know I am currently as well as I will ever be, but I don’t know how long I’ve got feeling well or indeed how long I have at all. I share this because what I am not denying that the big C pilgrimage is a tough one and has impacted my life in many, many ways.
At the same time, today I am well. I have wonderful friends who met me for pizza last night. I slept really well. I’m only in a bit of occasional pain and because I am not in treatment, I am not suffering from side effects. Its sunny today and my garden is full of flowers and birds. I had my vaccine shots about two months ago and feel reasonably OK going out now. I am praying that things are good enough Covid wise that I can go to Spain to walk on my beloved Frances in September. But as they say, God knows.
So why denial? Well, I accept I am ill, btu I deny that illness the right to shape the whole of my reality. If I brood on it, the Cancer gets so damn big there is no room for anything else. If I focus on all the wonder of later spring and the opening up of the world, that is what fills me. I want my life to be shaped by love not by cancer.
Most days I am in denial. And that is good.
Karen (Our Caminoheads Bureau Chief from England)
Dear Karen,
Thank you SO much for this post. <3
I am so grateful that you are part of this "gang" as Phil says. Reading you, I become "able" to see the reality of our lives with no glasses, just as it is, a sort of buddhist point of view with this that "life is a thousand joys and a thousand sorrows". Both co-exist and are present at the same time, it is a sort of a choice (as not always it is a choice) to what side we look more and more often.
I celebrate your choice: "I want my life to be shaped by love not by cancer." and I am so grateful that you find the beauty to make this choice in your friends, the pizza, your garden, and the dreams about the Camino in September.
Warm big hugs,
Cris
What a great reminder, Karen. Denial can be a shadow side of ‘speaking things into existence’ as in ‘not-speaking things into the closet’ or they can be a life-affirming move forward with eyes up, taking in the blessings of creation.
We hope to see you along the Way in the days ahead, beloved.
BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN KAREN.
IF I HAD THE ROLE OF A SCHOOL TEACHER I WOULD SEND YOU INTO A CORNER AND HAVE YOU WRITE OUT, 100 TIMES ON THE BLACKBOARD, “I WANT MY LIFE TO BE SHAPED BY LOVE NOT BY CANCER”
WHAT POWERFUL WORDS.
WHEN HIKING IN YONDER ROCKY MOUNTAINS I WILL OFTEN BREAK OUT IN SONG.
“THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THIS HOUR, THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THIS DAY, THANK YOU FOR NOW AND EVER AFTER, I WILL BE THANKING YOU.
I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS VERSE ON A DAILY BASIS.
START PACKING FOR SEPTEMBER…………….
SOLVITUR AMBULANDO.