The peace that passes all understanding. Have you ever dwelled on those words? I wasn’t dwelling on those words in this early morn but got to that peace anyway. It was dark still, four o’clock maybe. Rain was coming down in buckets and a slight breeze was coming through the open window and touching my cheek. It was the right time for a face to face opportunity. For these formal meetings with my cancer I am flat on my back with my hands on my chest above my lungs, home of my tumors. Somehow it is important for my body to be straight and symmetrical as possible. Don’t ask me why.
But we talk. I try and answer my questions and to find a way to relate to this renegade part of me. This has been going on for weeks, the talks. As time has gone on I am more satisfied with not being able to understand everything. When does that happen anywhere anyway? Lately, I have been more into relating.
I think the process was started when I stopped looking for blame outside myself. My cancer could be caused by what kind of breakfast cereal I ate as a kid in 1958. Yea, maybe. Or the chemicals that we used in art school in 1970. Yea, maybe. It is endless and useless, this quest, for me anyway.
There was a point it became personal, “my” cancer not “the” cancer. Maybe first I saw my cancer as a wildfire that we were fighting. Then I saw my cancer as a loose cannon aboard the ship that is my body, that we were trying to get control of. Most lately it appears to be a sort of messenger, an agent sent to get my attention.
Anyway, this early morning, I reached the conclusion that it, my cancer, had a place and it was alperfect that it was with me. Whatever it was sent to tell me I would listen. So, this is all so personal I hope I am not weirding you out but I am trying to describe a process that may be helpful (vital) to someone. I’ve never heard this stuff talked about this way and I am in uncharted territory myself so stay with me.
As a kid I was fascinated by the idea of people whose job it was to disarm bombs, unexploded ordinance. Totally heroic activity. I knew that the process involved communication. As the person worked at taking apart the mechanism to get to the heart of it all, to understand it and ultimately to disarm it he described everything he was doing over the radio to his team members who were at a safe distance. This was especially important when dealing with something unfamiliar as there was always a learning curve ahead. There was a good chance that he would not survive the procedure but at some point the answer would comeby by repeating the process. So, I strangely feel like “that guy” all of a sudden. So, I am not trying to weird you out but I am communicating with you as I keep you at a safe distance. We are trying to learn something.
This morning is Mass, as today is a day of obligation, The Immaculate Conception of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Catherine and I are off to that. Then this evening we have a big Caminoheads dinner. Our Jennifer cooking a big pork roast. So, thus it all goes on, love you, Felipe.
No weirdness or weirding out at all, my friend. Job had this conversation, too, right? Sh** happens to the just and the unjust … and it seems you’re saying the reason isn’t the question, the meaning for it is the question and the exploration– If I’m hearing you right. When you explore out loud via this blog it opens the gate for me to explore my path and surely it’s the same for the others reading here.
I’ll tell ya this: Your journey in this has allowed the many, many hidden dimensions of you–all wonderful, really– to be seen. That whole thing about finding and realizing ourselves, and sharing ourselves, too, seems like what the path actually IS. And that being on that path as often as possible is the path we aim for. Ok, that sounded confusing when written– a path to a path. I mean, being on that path is the aim, and the paths to that place are as varied as each of us are, it seems to me. See, your writing tickles the brain where it matters, tickles the soul as a result. Thanks.
yes Steve-O ~ your comment was so right there. The fantastic part is that this is all live and you were here same day. I can’t help myself any more, just reporting from where I find myself. Hope that it is not TMI. Hope to see you soon, Felipe.
Agreeing with what Steve O says here, and very moved by your life in words today, your life in life.
God’s peace, which does surpass understanding, but is also rooted in the hospitality you will share tonight with a good meal and dear people. I love that Jesus was so fond of eating with friends:).
Michelle ~ thanks for keeping up on your reading here. Yes, Jesus eating with friends, I like the image. OK, we need to get together, love, Flipe.
Well, I started an email, and the lights flashed and I lost my internet connection. Stormy day here on the isle.
I was saying that I didn’t think it was weird at all, and in fact fascinating. Digging down to what’s true, truer, truest for you is a gift and a privilege to witness. And is great grist for the mill. Ok, going to send before the power goes out for real (that would be the electricity, not the great Power).
Thank you for you.
Thank you Dana. You are lovely once again pilgrim neighbor. Yours, Felipe.
The peace that passes human understanding . . . this is one of my favorite phrases, and one that I include in prayers very very often. There is so much mystery in this thing called Life, and this phrase is a reminder that some of it (maybe even much of it, or much of the deeper parts) surpasses our human abilities. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, or is not true, it just is not something to be understood. Oh, dearest Phil, this post is so full, so rich, so honest. Thank you thank you thank you. <3 You are such a gift to the world! You are such a gift to me personally, and I know to all us Caminoheads! We have found each other, our rag tag group of wanderers, seekers, laughter lovers, and walkers! Thank you for all your living, all your questioning, all your writing. You never cease to amaze me. I am so moved by this post I am not sure my writing is making any sense, but I just wanted you to know that I read it, I love it, and I love you. You are always in my heart. <3
Oh Annie, what to do with you? I am so happy to be apart of our rag tag group. To travel together through the mystery is fascinating. Even though you are not next to me physically, it doesn’t matter, we travel together. We can’t help ourselves I guess! Love, Felipe.